08
Sep 09

CLASSIC COMMERCIALS: Ohhh baby!

This article is a tribute to the classic Nextel “Push It” commercial.  Even though it hasn’t aired for a long time I still catch myself looking at it at work and laughing my ass off.    

Check it out below:

 

It’s such an out of this world concept but for some reason I can still relate to it in my office life.  Let me break it down for you how it is, in fact, a parallel of reality:

There are three main characters dancing in the video.
In the office you usually only have two office friends you hang with (including you…that makes three!).  You and your three musketeer homies always got things covered, no matter how crazy the situation.

You look like you’re fucking around at work, but in reality you have it handled.
It’s not easy to making it look like things are easy.  You manage your time, make your calls and finish your work all before 10 am.

There is always the panicky overstressed guy at work.
This guy (usually your boss) is always uptight because he never knows what’s going on.  He goes by many names such as the “the tool”, “the buzzword king”, the “creepy touchy” new guy and many others.

So the next time your boss comes to you and your friends with a silly problem: 

  • Stop everything you’re doing
  • Solve the issue in 15 seconds or less
  • Hit “play” on your boom box
  • Rock the “push it” song like you mean it

02
Sep 09

STYLE: Dressing for Sporting Events

Basketball season and football season are just around the corner. Here are a few guidelines for dressing at the game.

Don’t Wear This:

  • Unless you are on the team, do not wear the team jersey. You are fooling no one and, regardless of your attire, they will never pull you out of the crowd and ask you to play.
  • A tank top is for the beach. I know it’s hot, but no one wants to see your farmer-tan (or worse, your burned flesh).
  • Sweatpants can be worn in a stadium if and only if you are running up and down the stairs. Not only do they look crappy, they have no pockets.
  • Flip-flops…really? You want to leave your toes open to drunk people with beer and (possibly) vomit. You want to walk into the restroom with no foot protection?

Instead, Wear This:

  • Polo shirt – classy, breaths well, can be the same color as your team, chicks dig it, and you can get into any after party or bar with it.
  • Team t-shirt – with a jersey, you show your love of a single player. With a team t-shirt, you show that you are a fan of the team.
  • Team track jacket – cool during the day, warm at night, perfect for putting over the shoulder of a pretty lady. See this previous article for even more reasons to wear a track jacket.
  • Jeans – but try to avoid excessive holes and/or cut-offs of any kind.
  • Any closed-toe shoe (see this previous article about awesome shoes). I know you want to be comfortable, but you also want to be able to get into an after party and not look like you just came from the gym or the beach.

Sporting events are social gatherings. Don’t be the social outcast among several thousand people.

Would you like to party with these ladies during and after the game...

Would you like to party with these ladies during and after the game...

…or would you rather party with these guys?


31
Aug 09

FEATURE: Cars NOT for men

If you are found in one of these cars, it should be because you are rescuing her after a traffic collision. There are some cars that were built for, marketed to, and focus on women. These cars should probaly be avoided by men. Granted, you can take one of these cars, drop $15K into it and have a stylish ride. But if you are seen on the street rolling in a stock version, prepare to have your ESM card pulled.

The NEW VW Beetle – I used to drive this car. It was not macho. I received more looks from men (they thought it would be a sexy lady behind the wheel) then from women. The valet would walk up to the car with enthusiasm and then I would watch his shoulders drop when he realized there was a ‘man’ behind the wheel. If you use the ‘bud vase’ for anything other than a pen, you might be shot on sight – you’ve been warned.

Regardless of the color - mine was black - there is no saving you man-ness from this car.

Regardless of the color, there is no saving you man-ness from this car.

The SMART Car – The only thing worse then the smooth, lady-like lines of a VW Beetle are a total lack of horse-power and space. I present the SMART Car. This car says to me, “I only have enough room for one thing: you’re balls in the glove box.” Even worse, dealers are marking up these glorified golf-carts and gouging you on the price. An ESM rule of thumb, for every $20K you spend on a car, there should be 2 separate places in the car where you can make sweet love (fully reclined passenger seat, backseat, roof, hood, trunk). That’s not going to happen in a SMART car.

Overpaying for a car is not OK

Throw some D's on this bitch or get slapped like one


31
Aug 09

MEDIA: Shadow Complex – xBox Live Arcade

Looking to kill some time? I find that the key to a good video game is the ability to pick it up, play, and leave on a dime. If you have to get deeply involved in some long quest…it gets boring.

With that in mind, I would like to recommend an awesome time-killer. It’s called Shadow Complex and it is available on the xBox Live Arcade section of your xBox 360. This game has it all: save the girl, save America, guns, rockets, jet shoes, sneak attacks, helicopters, and a killer robot that’s right out of RoboCop. The most important part, you pick up the sticks (joystick for you newbies) play for a few minutes while you wait for your lady friend to arrive (or get dressed) and then just walk away.

You’re an Essential Man of Style, you don’t need to spend hours in bed playing video games.

Shadow Complex E3 Trailer

Mild mannered tree-hippie becomes...

Mild mannered tree-hippie becomes...

a bad-ass, chick saving, mercenary

a bad-ass, chick saving, mercenary


27
Aug 09

ADVICE: The Cougar

Much has been made of “The Cougar” in the last few years- websites, TV shows, Demi & Ashton.. well, you get the idea. Looking back, it’s really not a new idea that a mature younger man would gravitate towards an older woman who doesn’t care what kind of car he drives, who he’s friends with, or if he’s picking up the tab at the end of the night.

You see, the advantage to an older woman is that there is no superficial bullshit to deal with. She wants you to do one thing and do it well- that’s all that is expected of you. If you’re a busy guy (and you should be- that Azimut isn’t going to pay for itself) you can immediately see that there is a pretty big ROI in the Cougar market.

Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris. And the pool table.

Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris. And the pool table.

But most of the articles I see on this subject seem to be written in theory (or worse yet, by women themselves) and spew crap like “Take her somewhere exciting and expensive” or “brush up on current events” so for our younger readers I figured I’d lay out some simple ground rules from a weathered old Captain who has long since hung up his sails:

  • This isn’t a relationship. You don’t pick her up at 7, wine and dine, and then cross your fingers that she wasn’t just using you because she’s broke and couldn’t afford a meal. The only question after initial contact has been established should be “my place, or yours?”
  • You are a ghost. No contact with kids, family, her ex-husband, or otherwise. If you stay the night you better be up and out of there before anyone else in the house starts their day. Conversely, never -ever- ring a doorbell or feel like you can waltz in and plop your feet on the sofa unannounced. Follow the protocol she gives you.
  • Don’t freak out about dating other women. It’s an unwritten cougar rule that they will not approach you if you’re out in public with a younger woman. But that’s the key- younger. If you’re out with another cougar, god help you. Along the same lines, you can feel free to consider the agreement over if you spot her with another younger man.
  • Forget it. By sleeping with her, you’ve given up all rights to date her super-hot 22 year-old daughter. Sorry, it’s one of the rules of the road (and pretty sleazy too boot).

One last thing- if you manage to stay within those very simple boundaries, keep her happy in the sack while maintaining her public persona you’re probably going to find yourself on the mythical “referral” program for a long time to come. Unlike younger women, they have no problem sharing a good experience with their friends (and in more ways than one).

I just sort of fell into it.

Deuce, you the best he-bitch in my man stable. If I had two more manginas like you, I'd be a millionaire.

Happy sailing!