FEATURE: Debunking the 5 myths of “adults only” all-inclusive resorts

Adults only resorts look exactly like this and the couples that go to them are this hot. Not really. Image courtesy of iStockphoto/Thinkstock.

Have you ever heard of “adults-only” all-inclusive resorts?  Do places like “Hedonism, Secrets and Temptations” sound familiar? 

Don’t worry, this isn’t your girlfriend testing you.  It’s a serious question.

If they sound vaguely familiar, just check out one of your adult or men’s magazines.  You’ll invariably find an ad for these resorts tucked in there somewhere either in the back or in the margins.  There will be a picture of an incredibly beautiful couple sitting alone at an incredibly beautiful locale.

At some point in your life, those ads had to have piqued your interest.

I’m also sure that visions of playboy models lounging around the pool filled your mind – with lots of yummy barbeque ribs and alcohol. 

Most men, including myself would probably agree:  if the “all adults” hotel lived up to your fantasy, it would be the perfect vacation for any self-respecting single man.

Now let me get you back to reality.  You know, the real world where everyone doesn’t look like a 36-24-36 supermodel?  It’s the same world where these “adults only” resorts try fill their occupancy rates to 80% or more.

Surprise!

We’re writing this article to give you an insider’s view of what really goes on in these resorts, by listing 5 common myths associated with them:

Myth 1: The resort is going to be secluded and empty.
Sorry, much like any other resort, these adults-only venues are still hotels that want to maximize their occupancy for maximum profits.  If they can double people up in rooms and charge each of them full rates, they would.

Myth 2: Going solo is the way to go.
Wrong again, Maverick.  A lot of these places are usually booked by couples and you won’t really have a chance to meet other singles.  You would be better off just going to a regular hotel to score.

Myth 3: The resort is going to be filled with 20-30 year olds.
Try multiplying that age range by 2.  Now try thinking about everything that goes along with that new age range: kids, grandkids, horrible eating, lack of excercise…  It’s definitely not the playboy mansion by any means.

Myth 4: Nice tatas.  Lots and lots of nice tatas.
Although a lot of these places have “tops optional” policies, not every female is going to go with the topless option.  Oddly enough, the ones that go with their convertible open usually have really old cars.

Myth 5: People having sex everywhere.
You’ve been watching too much Skinemax there bud.  These hotels are still public places and having sex in public places in most cities is still considered a crime.

Now you’re probably asking yourself: “Why should I even bother going to these places in the first place?”

Although a lot of the original reasons to visit those resorts have probably been blown out of the water, an adults only resort is definitely good for:

  • Couples interested in meeting other couples (s.w.i.n.g….)
  • People who want to be in an “adults only” atmosphere with “adults only” people
  • People who are interested in tossing out their inhibitions with the bath water

As for me, it definitely wasn’t my speed.  I just felt dirty sitting in the 25 foot hut tub with 50 year olds making out with each other.  Yes, 50 year old people making out with each other.

It took a 20 minute shower in rubbing alcohol and antibiotics just to help me feel respectable again.

Black Swan

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2 comments

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