Hey bro, who's the creepy guy with the plaid shirt over there?

St. Patrick’s day is tomorrow.

Yep, the day everyone has an excuse to drink their brains out at an Irish pub is making its way into your life once again.  Well, I guess you only need an excuse to drink if you’re not Irish.

In any case, you’re going to work tomorrow and you’re gonna need something green to wear so people don’t give you shit.  Unfortunately, you don’t know what to wear so you don’t look like a douche.

That’s what we’re here for.  To help you not look like a douche.  (More specifically, so you don’t look like a green douche.)

1. What to wear if you are required to wear a suit to work.
Green tie – definitely no.  If you rock the green tie, you might as well carry a pot of gold and wear the trilby with the 3-piece suit.

For the most cunning of style studs, you’re going to want to wear the green colored boxers or boxer briefs.  This way, if the ladies ask you if you are wearing green, you can show them.  If your guy friends want to check it out, you may want to get new guy friends (unless of course you’re into that, then cool).

You can tell the ladies you've got the luck o' the Irish in your pants. Clover boxers from luckybrand.com.

2. What to wear if you’re going to a college frat party
So you’re going to a college frat party and you’ve got your new green Irish drinking leprechaun shirt on from American Eagle.  Is it good enough to wear? 

Not really – half of the party is probably going to wear the same thing.

The best thing you can wear on St. Patrick’s day is your medical marijuana card pinned to your shirt with an ID badge.  It says “I like to party.  Legally.”

Just the card sans the weed. We don't promote that stuff here.

You’ll be surprised to find so many new friends because of your fashion.

3. What to wear to the Irish Bar around the corner from your house.
Being well dressed is kind of an occupational hazard when it comes to dive bars and Irish bars on St. Patrick’s day.  In these instances, you’re going to want to accessorize instead of go overkill on your clothes.

The best fashion accessory for this occassion?  A Boston Celtics cheerleader.

Bring 2 if you're feeling lucky.

Love or hate the team, everyone loves hot cheerleaders.

4. What to wear to a costume party.
You might find this weird, but people have costume parties at the most random times.  We actually had a costume party during the Superbowl and it was a pretty big hit.

So what do you do when you are invited to a St. Patrick’s day costume party?  Dress yourself up like the Green Hornet.

Got the mask and the suit, but where do I find the kick ass Asian guy as a sidekick?

Trust me, everyone will love your TV reference and your matching suit.

5. What to wear to a Leprechaun convention.
So you’ve finally made it to the peak of your career – you’re going to the semi-annual Leprechaun convention in Las Vegas.  But you’re asking yourself, how do I make myself look cool at the convention yet still be okay to go to XS afterwords?

It’s simple – a black suit, green pocket square with lots and lots of gold.  Shit, bring your Amex Gold Card if you have to.

GOLD CARD for the leprechauns, playa!

Good luck and be safe out there this St. Patrick’s day.

ESM

To create Essential Style for Men, mix 2 parts petrol, 1 part secret agent, 1 part rock and roll, 1 part hip-hop and a shot of tequila in a shaker with ice and vigorously shake for 20 seconds. Pour into a martini glass rimmed with explosives and have a supermodel serve for all your friends to enjoy.