This is how we roll to the movies. Image courtesy of Digital Vision/Thinkstock.

There are a lot of movie rating systems out there – from parental guidance, to thumbs up from movie critics, to accolades given by their industry peers.

But there hasn’t been a true movie grading system created for men that can tell us which seperate the weak from the strong with our specific criteria in mind.  Hence, the “ESM Movie Score Card” was created.

The score card is a point system out of a 100, where the closer the movie scores 100 points, the better it is.  Here is how each movie is judged:

Explosions (20 points)

  • 0 – no explosions in the movie
  • 10 – some explosions in the movie
  • 20 – arma-fucking-geddon

Zombies, Dinosaurs, Aliens and Robots (15 points)

  • 0 – none are in the movie
  • 10 – 2 out of 3 are in the movie
  • 15 – there is a dinosaur/alien/robot that partnered with zombies to destroy Earth

Chase Scene (10 points)

  • 0 – no chase scene
  • 5 – people chasing each other on foot
  • 10 – Ronin

Aerial Dog Fight Scene (10 points)

  • 0 – no dog fights
  • 5 – use of bi-planes
  • 10 – Independence Day 4

Fight Scene (10 points)

  • 0 – romance novel
  • 5 – small action sequence
  • 10 – full out MMA action

Hot Girls (10 points)

  • 0 – no girls in movie
  • 5 – some hot girls sprinkled in a few scenes
  • 10 – smoking hot girl as main character carrying a semi-automatic weapon

Love Scene (5 points)

  • -5 – The love scene was between a man and someone he thought was a woman
  • 0 – no love scene
  • 5 – menage

Acting (5 points)

  • -5 – horrible acting
  • 5 – Oscar worthy performance

Storyline (5 points)

  • -5 – romantic novel
  • 0 – no storyline
  • 5 – great storyline that works with dinosaurs/aliens/robots

Movie Gore (5 points)

  • 0 – full on drama
  • 5 – Rob Zombie movie

Bonus Scoring (5 points)

  • -5 – drug use that makes you want to quit doing it casually
  • 0 – typical movie
  • 5 – Tom Cruise in a fat suit

Awesome.  So are we ready to start scoring some movies?  We’ll start scoring any movies we feature on this website.  Try doing it on your own at home and see how your favorite movies stack up!

ESM

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